Honestly, I didn’t navigate quarantine or the shelter at home orders as well as I thought I would.
The day George Floyd was murdered was the day after the woman in Central Park called the cops on the man who was birdwatching. This set the tone for my days for way too long. Agonizing. Defeating. Exhausting. These incidents consumed my thoughts for days. I I forgot to, and honestly just didn’t, pray. I was down and out. I submersed myself into reading, learning, and finding a solution to all of the world’s problems. Nothing mattered more to me. Well, that was exhausting and draining. Then came the details and video footage from the Breonna Taylor case along with Ahmaud Aubery’s vicious murder. Come on. How many black lives have we lost or placed in jeopardy?
Redirecting my Thoughts & Finding an Outlet
Being a Black mother in the midst of it all
I didn’t care to share my feelings with anyone I wasn’t close with. I didn’t want sympathizers and meaningless chatter. I didn’t want to offer support for others seeking to learn. It was extremely heavy for me to rock and hold my child at night throughout this time, but especially when the details & verdict of the Breonna Taylor case were announced. I sobbed. Uncontrollably. You couldn’t even begin to imagine what this feels like if you haven’t experienced this type of hate and racism. I kept thinking these thoughts when folks would ask the questions :: Why is this so hard? Why now? Did you not hear Mr. Floyd yell out for his mother? What did you not understand? I sobbed until I couldn’t breathe. Mr. Floyd couldn’t breathe. He asked / begged / cried out for his mother and to just simply breathe. HEAVY. Too heavy. I had nightmares. I, too, am a runner like Ahmaud. This could have been me or anyone in my family (we have a good number of runners in my family).
My mother is worth more to me than I can possibly write or speak of. I understand this more now as a mother than ever before. I have never felt so hopeless as a mother. Honestly, what was so exhausting to me was not having a solution. What can we collective do to bring about change? As a mother / woman / wife / daughter, I was distraught. This is what I do know – Breonna’s mama and Ahmaud’s mama and Mr. Floyd’s mama – well, they all look like me. They all understand without question what “the talk” is.
Kindness Part 2
Y’all. It doesn’t take much. Reach out. Call. Cry. Message. Send a note. Text someone. Offer your ear. Listen. Pray with and for someone. Understand that just holding space with someone is enough. You just may be able to be a blessing.