I live my life, very purposely, “out loud” and in public through my social media accounts. Contrary to my husband who is very private. Contrary to what would be easier in many regards. But it’s me. It’s always been me. And lest you ever think I share the highlight reel only, in an effort to fool anyone into thinking I’ve got it all together, here comes some really raw life for you.
Despite the OCD which triggers obsessive planning for new experiences (and compulsions around budgeting then budgeting again), I do not do well with shifts in normalcy. So when my pharmacy closed and my scripts weren’t filled or transferred, and then my app wouldn’t work to transfer them manually and then I was distracted … I dropped the ball. I waited too long to ask for help, too, and now I’m involuntarily detoxing from my OCD and Anxiety (bipolar2) meds.
I have a plan of action implemented to regain control of the situation tomorrow. I’ve made the calls, and I’ve taken the steps. Tonight though, tonight simple tasks are overwhelming. Tonight the pain of missing my oldest child’s birthday tomorrow feels Earth Shattering (he lives in TX with his dad during the school year). Tonight I couldn’t figure out how to plug in an appliance … “The plug isn’t flat. The extension cord is full. It doesn’t reach the other side.” And then I hate myself for being ridiculous. And I hate how broken and imbalanced the chemicals in my brain are to the point that I am incapable of simple tasks like some — insert self-deprecating description —.
The nightmares, the night sweats, the flashes of brain stem pain, the confusion, vertigo, nausea, constant urge to cry … it’s not great.
So, I’m going to need for everyone not to need anything from me for a week while I rebalance. I have to set boundaries for my mental health. I typically spend my days fielding questions and giving advice to women around me, helping to plan and execute, volunteering and organizing … This week I can only be a mom to my herd, business partner to Nicole, and wife to Clint. That’s it. It’s a bare minimum week. It’s not from a place of anything but self love and preservation … I swear I’ll be ready to give as much of me as I can again soon.
To some, this may come off narcissistic and self serving, but I’m not looking for pity or attention. I just like being transparent. I like setting clear expectations and I want to #BreakTheStigma for all of the moms out there who live with mental illness and still thrive, even when it’s not “all good.”
