Have you ever been around a group of ladies and thought “I don’t feel like I fit in here?”
I have struggled with this my entire life. I can remember being in third grade and having a group of “popular girls” tell me that my family didn’t live on the right side of town so I couldn’t be friends with them. Now, let me just say that we were not hurting for money at all but even at this young age, they understood how society works. So, I blame all my insecurities on them! Haha just kidding I don’t. I promise!
As I was growing up I was taller than all the other girls, I matured faster than the other girls in my grade, I liked to play sports and didn’t want to attend tea parties. When I got into high school I realized that I was different and didn’t fit in with the kids I went to school with so I went out of my way to not fit in. I hung out with public school kids (oh man this was just horrible back then), I didn’t go to parties but then again I wasn’t really invited to these parties. I didn’t attend school functions on purpose and I was ok with that. I chose to get away and go to New Orleans for college and that is honestly the only time I have ever felt like I really belonged anyway. Those ladies that I still adore with all my heart held my hand through the darkest days of my life. We carried each other as we navigated the world and gained independence. We bonded over brokenness and pain! And for that our hearts will always be connected no matter where life takes us.
Now that I am an adult I still find myself feeling like I don’t fit in. I try to mold myself into the people I am around at that moment. I find myself trying to act like I have more money in my bank account then I really do, or that I have the perfect marriage, that my children are always well behaved, that I don’t secretly smoke cigarettes when I am stressed out, or that I don’t cherish every tattoo I have. I realize that this is not being true to myself but I am so insecure. I keep telling myself that if other people don’t like me then that they are the ones missing out but truthfully it hurts when I am not invited to outings. It hurts when I get home from a meeting and open FaceBook to see that ladies who also attended the meeting with me are out having drinks.
Now I know that not every person is intentionally leaving me out on purpose but in the back of my mind, it feels that way. It feels like the “popular girls” are at it again and I don’t belong.
I have spent the majority of my life trying to fit in and it is exhausting, I am tired of worrying if I said something silly or if someone didn’t like my clothing choices. I wish I could be stronger but I am strong enough to admit that I am self-conscious and that has to count for something, right? You can tell yourself all day not to worry about other people and what they think but deep down inside we all care about what others think.