Covid-19 has sucked my creativity dry. I’m tired. I’m angry. I’m having trouble meeting personal deadlines. My plate is full. Scratch that. My plate is overflowing. People around me are sad and hurting and they’re tired and angry too. I’m a fixer – a people pleaser – a helper. But this; this I can’t fix. Nothing I do is good enough. When tragedy strikes during isolation, it is so intensified. The feeling of helplessness is exacerbated tenfold. The circumstances are that much harder.
I miss my friends. My household misses our people – our church family, the neighbors we used to see on the regular, the cousins and aunts and uncles we used to have family dinners with, the wait staff of our local haunts – we miss all of it. I know I know, stuff is open and we could venture out, but my family has some sensitivities that we aren’t ready to risk. So we limit our time in public. And if our family and friends aren’t limiting theirs, then we limit them. And it sucks. Our current circle is super small.
Know what I don’t miss? My office.
I don’t miss making a commute to my office and making a commute back. I am more productive than ever when I work from home. Maybe it’s the increased sleep or just being more comfortable (PJs, anyone?) or maybe it’s the lack of distractions from coworkers just sticking their heads in to say “Hi.” I’m sure it’s a bit of each, but I am SO. MUCH. MORE. PRODUCTIVE.
And I love getting to be a mom when I clock out. When the clock strikes 3:30 (sometimes 4:00), I get to leave the [home] office and start playing with the kids, cleaning up, and making dinner. I get to be me. We get to be us. We get to have fun.
I wish the internet would go away.
I’m so tired of people that could barely pass high school biology spewing their anti-science nonsense. I’m tired of all the FaceBook doctors and lawyers that come out of the woodwork anytime there is an issue that has split views. I’m tired of the hatred I see flowing like a fountain. Surely these can’t be from people I once respected and valued. I’m tired of the trolls that only come out to stir up emotions and offer zero value on otherwise very civil discussions.
Know what I’m grateful for? All of it.
These are my feelings today, right now, as I write something that’s late – again. But I’m grateful. I’m grateful that those friends that I miss so much will still be there when this is over and once again I’ll get to hug them so tight and we will pick right back up from where we left off. I’m grateful for the new friends that I’ve made through this blog that I will get to see in person finally. I’m grateful for the job that gives me the office to “not miss.” I could be one of the thousands out of work and not knowing where my next meal is going to come from – but I’m not. I’m grateful for that damned ol’ internet and even for Facebook because during these distant times they allow me to see the people that our hearts are missing oh so much. They allow the Zoom calls and video messaging and all the things that keep us connected. And of course, I’m grateful for that family – my little piece of heaven on Earth that keeps me grounded and lift me from my funks.