Motherhood Remix’d

Coming of age in the late ’90s and early 00’s in Opelousas shaped my taste in music.

I love booty music, y’all.

Drop a good beat and I don’t care where I am, my head is bopping. I have popped, locked it, and dropped it with the best of them, and backed my “thang” up more times than I can count.

But this music isn’t exactly an appropriate soundtrack for motherhood … or is it?

I am one of those “freaks” who can live her life singing lyrics rather than speaking. If I, or anyone near me for that matter, use a phrase that is found in song lyrics, you best believe I will be echoing that same phrase back, but in song. And during my time as a mother, there are some gold standards that I have re-written in my head with lyrics inspired by motherhood. Some of these are a bit of a streeeetch, and one is not booty music AT ALL, but rather a great alt-rock song inspired by my head-banging husband.

I present to you … The Motherhood Remix

For changing diapers try…

To the tune of “Dunkie Butt” 

Gimme dat chunkie butt and dem big ol’ legs. I ain’t too proud to beg. Ain’t no shame in this game, I’m gonna take that diaper and throw it away

Innn *the trash* Innn *the trash* Innn *the trash* In the trash now!

Let me clean that bootie bootie. Lemme wipe that poopie poopie. Let me clean that bootie bootie. Lemme wipe that poopie poopie. Let me clean that bootie bootie. Lemme wipe that poopie poopie. Please. Please. Please.

Or if you are feeling more zydeco

To the tune of “That Butt Thing” 

I don’t like smelly… and I don’t like soggy… I just like my baby… in a dry diapie.

We gonna clean that boo-tie. No more of this tee-tee. We gonna wipe that poopie. Now you won’t be so stinky.

For bathtime

To the tune of  “Shake It Fast” 

*** Inspired by actual remixes made in the locker room of my junior high school by classmates***

Take a bath, wa wa wa wash ya self! Take a bath, show me whatchu scrubbing with. Take a bath.

I came here with shampoo in my haaand. It’s time to get started washing ya hair, be cool. And don’t worry about getting soap in ya eyes, I’m gonna protect em that’s what I do. I’m gonna rinse it, double rinse it. Then we gonna grab the washcloth, please sit still. Please don’t wiggle too much, wiggle just a little bit. I gotta wipe ya face, wipe ya tummy, scrub a dub dub all up in this tub. You think I’m trickin’? Hey you drippin’! I’m wrapping you up in this towel, it’s time to dry off!

Who needs the clean up song, when you can improv on “Da’ Dip?”

To the tune of “Da’ Dip” 

I grab this toy that’s on the floor. When I lift, you lift, we lift. Then that toy is there no more because we put it in its box.

I grab this toy that’s on the floor. When I lift, you lift, we lift. Then that toy is there no more because we put it in its box.

I grab this toy that’s on the floor. When I lift, you lift, we lift. Then that toy is there no more because we put it in its box.

You put yours, and I put mine, and together we will clean this mess.

And for the child who just WILL NOT get out of bed in the morning…

To the tune of “Chop Suey” Wake up!

C’mon kid won’t you wakeup.

The alarm says it’s time to wakeup. The alarm says it’s time to wakeup.

Get up and come eat breakfast.

Your breakfast is sitting on the table. Go eat it!

I fixed a little bowl of cereal. You love it!

Milk is also on the table. Go pour it!

Your vitamins are there too For your health!

Oh I wish that you… would… get… dressed in your uniform… after… you… have finished your breakFAAAAAAAST!

Welcome to my crazy. I hope you enjoyed.