Last few months of school were spent at home.
Birthday celebrations were converted to Zoom calls and Car parades.
Sunday mass, now streamed.
Sleepovers were squashed.
Summer Camp turned into daycare.
Shopping trips evolved into online orders only.
Long awaited concert was postponed for a year and a half.
Beach trip was cancelled.
I could probably sit here all day listing the plethora of other things that have changed over the past few months, not only for my husband and I, but for our children as well. One of my biggest struggles through Covid-19 has been the guilt I feel over disappointing them so much. They really have been powering through this roller coaster we are all on, but I can’t help but feel like every time I open my mouth another disappointment comes spewing out.
At first, I would sugar coat things to make them sound not SO bad, but that was met with initial, general disappointment. So then, I would hype the new or different but that was also met with disappointment when the new and different didn’t measure up to the old, tried and true.
Our 4 year old is mostly oblivious. She knows there is a “flu” making people sick, is the first to squirt her sanitizer, and likes to wear her Minions mask for short periods of time. Mostly because she thinks it’s a cool new accessory, like a scarf or a headband. She is little miss independent and it’s hard to crush her feisty spirit, praise the Lord. But she gets ragey if things don’t go her way and Hell hath no fury like a disappointed, strong willed toddler!
Our 7 year old on the other hand has had a rougher time lately. Polar opposite of her sister, she is our emotional, soft hearted soul. Being just old enough to process the reasons why things aren’t the way they once were, I’m certain she feeds off of our anxiety. I was noticing her demeanor the other day and it’s like a switch has literally flipped and my once lively, sweet but spunky, little girl is now solemn, withdrawn, and mopey. Physical outward signs of what I know is an internal struggle with consistent disappointment and uncertainty.
And all I can do is find myself repeating, “I’m sorry I keep disappointing you.”
Because I am sorry.
“I’m sorry” are the only words I have sometimes as the explanations are insufficient and no sugar coating or hype can change simple facts. Learning to live within the “New Norm” is hard enough for a 32 year old brain to process much less 7 and 4 year old noggins!
Don’t get me wrong. I want my children to grow up knowing things won’t always go their way, and how to navigate disappointment. But in this current moment, their little hearts just desperately need a win.
So, until that win girls, Mommy is sorry the world is such a disappointing place at the moment and I pray for the day I don’t have to be the bearer of repeated disappointing news for you.