Feeling sexy or ready for intimacy after children arrive in your family can be a challenge. From adjusting your mindset to pleasure when it feels like, “this body has work to do” to dealing with the worries of “is he about to get squirted in the eye with milk?” the challenges are real. Moms are often tired, touched out, and busy running their home empire. I’d like to offer some tips for shifting from ‘don’t touch me’ to ‘kiss me again.’
Communication
I don’t think it’s an understatement to say that clear, open communication is paramount to getting your sexy back. Expressing to your partner your needs, feelings, and desires will ensure that you can get back into the saddle in a way that is at your own pace and comfort. Take some time to assess how you feel and what you need. I really love the 5 love languages quiz for understanding how you give and receive love. Maybe you’d feel more loved and relaxed if he did the dishes, or maybe for you, it’s hearing how much he desires you and loves your body – even though it’s not the same. Knowing and understanding your love language as well as your partner’s love language can get you both on the same page for filling each other’s cups and might reignite that passion.
A Little Help Getting in the Mood
For some of us though, even with extremely supportive partners and open lines of communication, getting mentally switched from “mom” to “partner” might be something that takes practice. I’ve found in my experience that reading romance novels in bed with a small glass of wine can help me detach from the day and get in the mood. It doesn’t have to be erotic or explicit, simply reading about how soul mates find each other in the end after resolving conflict can be a reminder of how you fell in love. If you’re brave, try reading out loud to your partner. It’s sexy, silly, and romantic all at once. You may even find it makes you both more empathetic and helps inspire new fantasies to explore.
Exploring Fantasies
Along the lines of exploring fantasies, communicating your secret desires is intimidating even in the best of relationships. I found Mojo Upgrade to be an invaluable tool for expressing and discovering shared desires. The quiz is taken separately by each partner, rating each experience by the willingness and desire to try. The results express only the items both partners voted as “yes” items. So if you showed interest in something your partner did not, they will not be told of your interest. There’s no risk and only reward in discovering new avenues for expressing your love and passion for each other.
Mark Your Calendar
Lastly, scheduling time for intimacy may sound like it’s stealing the sexy from your private moments, but it doesn’t have to. Knowing that tonight is the night can relieve the pressure of what if and give you the opportunity to flirt without fear of rejection. Taking the pressure off needing sex to be spontaneous or only in the mood opens us to address other important factors like different libidos, busy schedules, and the need for orgasms in healthy pair bonding. Sex is a critical component for happy, healthy relationships.
Is It Painful?
For many women, sex isn’t happening not for lack of desire, but because of pain. I think it’s imperative to reach out to your doctor to explore the reasons for painful intercourse to ensure your health is cared for. Often doctors will recommend you try using a quality lubricant to ensure you aren’t creating micro-tears in your vagina that cause scar tissue and pain. Talk to your partner during this time and try other sensual activities like massage, slow dancing, or old fashioned making out.
Smile For the Camera
If you’re brave, I would strongly recommend doing a couples boudoir session with your favorite photographer (or yourselves in the privacy of your bedroom). While I know this sounds extreme for those of us who are more conservative, I learned that this kind of boudoir session can be as mild as just wearing his t-shirt and your favorite panties with him in just his jeans cuddling in bed together. Seeing the photographs of you and your partner holding each other, looking deep into each other’s eyes, or him kissing your neck can really be a gift that you’ll cherish. For us, doing this gave me so much confidence. Even in this body that grew and birthed five children, even at my heaviest weight, I can see the love in his eyes when seeing him looking at me through that lens.
