Saying Uncle :: Quitting Does NOT Make You a Quitter

I am not a quitter. 

Growing up, I was not allowed to quit anything.

If I signed up for something or said I would be there for something, I did it or I was there irrespective of how eagerly I had tried to get out of it. 

If I went to sleep at a friend’s house, I spent the night — even if I called my mom using our code word specifically designated to get me out of a situation without having to go into details on the phone. 

I stayed in piano far longer than I should have because I did not like it and honestly never ever practiced. I am sorry Ms. Linda.

I am not a quitter.

And I do not want to be a quitter. I will likely spin situations to be better than they are to convince anyone and everyone — including myself — that it is not worth quitting. 

With all that being said, as I type this, I am drinking No More Milk Tea and pumping for one of the very last times. My sweet rainbow baby is 4 months and a week old, and I am quitting breastfeeding. 

But, I am not a quitter. 

You can read alllllll about my breastfeeding journeys with my first and second babes here (click here). I will not go into extreme detail here as I have been there, done that, and wrote a blog post about it. 

All I will say here is that I have PCOS. From what I understand, that affected the development of mammary tissue during puberty — happens for some but not all PCOS-ers. For this reason, I have a “micro supply” of breast milk, meaning that I produce roughly 2 ounces every 3 hours. 

After having Fitz in October, the lactation consultant told me that I should not stress about it too much because I was likely just stuck with what I had. There was not much I could do to increase my supply. 

But I was hell-bent and determined. 

I am not a quitter. 

From the day we came home from the hospital until this week, I pumped every 3 hours around the clock for 15-20 minutes a session. The most I ever produced was 3 ounces combined. 

I have pumped in my bedroom, in my kitchen, in the bathroom, in my car soooo many times, at my mama’s house, in the Starbucks parking lot, in a friend’s bedroom, in the parking lot of my son’s school, and everywhere in between. 

Irrespective of how much time I have spent pumping, Fitz has been supplemented with formula from the time my milk came in on day 5. He has received a combination of breast milk and formula for essentially his whole life. There has not been a day yet that he has not received breast milk but the most breast milk he has received in a day is at about 20 ounces with the typical intake being somewhere around 15. The rest of his nutrition has come from formula. 

He is happy. He is healthy. He is perfect. 

I have done my absolute best to provide him with breast milk, but we have all had enough of this strenuous pumping schedule. My three-year-old needs his mama not attached to a pump all day — “all done mama milk!” My husband needs me to wrap up this Marie Kondo craziness. My baby needs me to have just a little “me” time. And sheeeesh — I need some of my body back! 

I am quitting breastfeeding. But — I am not a quitter. 

Early on, someone who I trust with my life said — “Only do it as long as you can. Do not be afraid to say ‘Uncle!'” 

So, here I am. 18 weeks of pumping. I am saying “UNCLE!!!!!” 

I am not a quitter. 

Quitters are those who begin things and never finish. Quitters do not have passion about a project or a task from jump street. Quitters do not care to finish from the moment they start. 

Instead of all of that, I put hours upon hours into researching breastfeeding while on bed rest to put myself at the best advantage possible knowing my history. I saw two lactation consultants. I took countless expensive supplements. I ate cookies, brownies, and all the brewers yeast and flaxseed I could get my hands on. 

I have a freezer stash of 60 ounces that will hopefully carry my sweet perfect baby for a couple more weeks with a bottle of liquid gold a day. 

I gave breastfeeding my all and there is not much more to give.

I would give it another week, month, and freaking year if I could. I will forever be envious of you mamas celebrating your year marks and beyond.

I will admire you and your selflessness until the end of time. 

I am quitting breastfeeding. 

I am not a quitter. 

And to my dear sweet husband who has cheered me on very every pump session and celebrated every ounce, I love you more than you will ever know. Thank you for cheering me on. Thank you for supporting me in my decision to quit. I hope to give you the strength you give me.