What the Heck Did I Do? … And Other Things I Told Myself When I Came Home with a Newborn

I don’t want to brag (well, maybe I do), but I had an amazing pregnancy. I know that some of you want to throw your shoe at me right now, but I did. I loved being pregnant. Everyone told me how cute I was and people did stuff for me and we ate what I wanted to eat. EVERY NIGHT. 

I was excited to have my baby. I read all the books and took some classes. I had a doula and an awesome delivery. I had my natural birth, just as I had planned and 2 1/2 days after birth, we brought home a perfect little boy.

Then reality set in.

Here’s the thing. I’m an introvert. I’m sure some people were disappointed, but I wanted no help. I did not want to be observed. I didn’t want feedback or judgment. I just wanted to figure it out as I went along. That’s how I live my life. I have to do it myself and learn the hard way.

There I was. 22 stitches in my lady parts, sitting in mesh panties filled with ice, cracked nipples, no sleep, with a baby who cried without provocation. I remember sitting on the couch with my sweet bundle of joy, crying into the dog and praying out loud, “God, what did I do? Why did I do this?”

Prior to meeting my husband, I never had the fantasy of being a mother. I have two much younger brothers (one who is 11 years younger than me and another who is 17 years younger than me). I felt like I already had babies in a way. I have never liked to babysit. Truth be told, I really only like a handful of kids, even today. I’m pretty impatient and enjoy exercising control. Kids are like my kryptonoite.

Back to that critical time …

No one tells you the hard truth about the first few weeks. It isn’t all sweetness and light. Newborns don’t give you a whole lot of feedback other than screaming and gas.

On top of all that, you BLEED FOR A WHILE (really, one of you mommas should have told me that).

At first, it felt that motherhood was coming naturally and easily for everyone else but me. I needed someone to tell me the truth. The truth is, motherhood is freaking hard. And, it was okay that things weren’t coming naturally to me. If I were to trust social media, I would get no truth; only professional newborn pictures of people holding their little cherub with adoration in their eyes. I desperately needed someone to be real with me.

It was hard. And I cried. You see, I had prepared for taking care of the baby. But I was not prepared to take care of myself. 

Having your first child is earth shaking. Everything changes. You can’t go anywhere for a while. Your body changes. Your mind changes. Your marriage changes.

My husband was in love with the baby from the minute he was born. And that only made me more insane. I labored for this child. I literally grew this child in my womb.


I was lucky (I consider it a near miracle), to have a few friends who had babies around the same time I did. The majority of them allowed the façade to drop and they were real with me. I felt seen. I felt like I wasn’t crazy. Because I wasn’t!

Once my lady bits healed up (and it took a while of using all the Dermoplast Walgreens had to offer), and my nipples stopped being on fire, and the breastfeeding and hormones leveled out, and my newborn and I got used to each other, things started getting better. I began enjoying my little guy’s company. I began to feel human again and he began interacting. Now, as a hilarious 3 1/2 year old, I love him so much. I hold him and close my eyes, just to seal in the memory of all this sweetness.

I say all this to let you know, things get better. You do love your child. There’s nothing wrong with you. Let people help you. Be a part of a tribe of women who lift you up and can say, “I get it. You’re going to make it through.” Make your own care plan. You are a major piece of this momma / baby duo. Take care of yourself.

And be real. Please, I beg you. Show other mommas who are out there struggling that there is solidarity. Comment with your favorite #realmomma picture. Not the filtered sweet happy picture, but the real in the trenches stuff.  You never know who that will touch.

Amanda Fuselier
Amanda is a native of Kenner, LA and is now an honorary Cajun. She is married to a psychiatric nurse, Joe, and is a hospice social worker so don't come to her house unless you are ready to talk about your feelings! Amanda and Joe are parents to Kael and Remy and furry parents to Luna and Spiderman. Amanda is all about that #boymom life and is enjoying wrangling her two wild men while checking out the wonderful culture of Acadiana and all of Louisiana. Amanda is a fan of all things yummy and enjoys a good cocktail. Her motto is "if I can't wear yoga pants, I'm not going".



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