I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, even if far beyond our comprehension. But after this last year, I believe in more than that. I believe that everything is perfectly orchestrated and we are just along for the ride.
When this whole Lafayette Moms Blog gig came up last Fall, I knew that it was a little gift coming from my baby, Theodore, in Heaven. I had not thought I was capable of being a blogger or a writer. But loss did something to me. The only way I felt really capable of healing after Theo was to share. I shared the good stuff, the hard stuff, the God nods, and everything in between on social media. And from that, I was able to put thoughts into words to apply to write for Lafayette Moms Blog. My growth in loss has only flourished from that point forward.
One of the most crippling things about grief to me is that no one can fix it. No amount of money, service, or pull could take it away. My mama couldn’t pray my grief away. My husband couldn’t hold me until the grief went away. When the grief set in, it was here to stay. So, if it had to stay, at the very least, could my grief help someone else? Could it possibly make someone out there, even if they are a million miles away, not feel so alone?
I’ve learned time and time again that it can. I have had mama after mama turn to me to empathize and cry with me over the loss of our babies. We have celebrated and cried over each milestone. We picture our babies hand-in-hand and pray for the day that we get to hold them again. We form a club of people that no one would ever choose to join. Some of the members in that club have become more than family in a year of such loss.
But, I would not have met most of these mamas across the country and been able to share our stories had I not been given the opportunity to write for Lafayette Moms Blog. I was only able to reach so far with my personal social media handles. The healing that this outlet has provided has been overwhelming. So, it only feels right to share it here first:
It isn’t just Little Bro Theo anymore. It is BIG BRO THEO! We are having a baby. We are having a rainbow baby.
We were cleared to try again last summer. After 6 months of trying, we made an appointment with our fertility doctor (one of our favorite people on the entire planet) and tentatively scheduled an IUI for sometime in March. But, two weeks after Theo’s birthday, we found out that we did not need that IUI after all. We’ve been praying for Theo to pick out a baby for us. As it turns out, Theo had a special birthday gift for US this year to celebrate HIS brithday.
If you have followed along, you know that we lost Theo due to incompetent cervix last February. That means that this rainbow pregnancy will not be an easy one. There will be lots of monitoring, cervical checks (yay!), and probably some bed rest. We are equally excited and scared. This will not be a “just get to 12 weeks and celebrate!” kind of pregnancy. So, we have committed to celebrating this pregnancy every single day because each day pregnant is truly a miracle.
Thank you for reading and for virtually holding my hand through the healing this year. This is just another chapter of our story, and I cannot wait to share it with you.
Baby Autin coming mid October. God willing and the creek don’t rise.