For our first two kids, conceiving only took a few months. As I get closer to my mid-thirties and the year mark of trying to conceive, my hope is starting to dwindle on if another baby is in the cards for our family. It’s a weird place to be in. I have an ache in my heart for one more baby to join our family. It’s so easy to gaslight and toxic positivity myself throughout this journey because I already have children. Am I keeping my stress level low enough? Am I selfish for wanting another baby after being blessed with two beautiful humans? Have I done everything in my power to get pregnant this last month? Do any of these questions actually help me throughout the process? No, they don’t. It’s easy to blame myself for my body not working how I want it to.
There is a lot of grief throughout the process of trying to get pregnant. It’s hard to get your hopes up each month to be disappointed again and again. It’s also extremely challenging to receive unsolicited advice like “Quit trying and then it’ll happen!” Achieving a goal or dream takes preparation and intentionality. I have never made an A on a test from “not trying.” Advice like this makes me feel even more alone because it is so obvious that they did not have the same experience. There are countless underlying conditions that can make it hard for a woman to get pregnant. If you have a friend struggling with their fertility, just hold space with her. Stop trying to fix it with suggestions that she has already tried.
When you already have two kids, you have checked off the box of the status quo. This sort of grief is hidden in plain sight. The societal norm is a family with two kids. If you have a boy and a girl, it is assumed that you are done having children. But what if that formula doesn’t fit the family you desire? It’s an interesting tension to hold to want more kids but have the appearance of having it all. This is where the toxic positivity self-talk comes into play. There are so many people who desire to be parents. I am one. Am I allowed to feel sad about the possibility of not having another baby? Yes. Of course, I can. Two things can be true at the same time. I can be grateful for the kids I do have, but sad at the possibility that I may never have another baby. If you are struggling with infertility after becoming a mom, I see you. I am you. I am rooting for your tiny dream to become a reality. You are not alone.
