First, let me start this off by saying that I am not a medical professional and have ZERO medical experience. I am writing this based on my own experience. I know very well that people’s emotions and situations do not fit into molds. Therefore, this does not apply to everyone. Please keep that in mind, if you proceed.
Y’all, life can be hard.
Sometimes bad stuff happens. Sometimes sad things happen. Sometimes scary things happen. We are all human beings. That means that we all have a human reaction to events. It is my opinion that while our reactions to events will undoubtedly be very different, the reactions are all valid.
After we lost Theo last February, being the oversharer that I am, I took a great deal of my emotions to Instagram. It helped me to get the feelings out, to put them into the world, and heal.
Sometime within the first month or so, a friend messaged me worried. “Are you OK?” I was not OK. But I truly felt that that was OK, too. I replied with:
“I am not OK, but it is OK that I am not OK.”
But so many people were not OK with the fact that I was not OK. I hate to even say this because I know that 100% of the concern was based in love. And the other problem is that no one could fix it. But, it truly unnerved people that I was not OK and I knew that I was not ok.
I was recommend several different happy drugs from anyone who saw a tear or heard a sob. I have nothing against modern medicine. I am a big proponent of it. But, I also did not / do not think that it was the right thing for me during this time. I was sad. I was FEELING. But, I felt like it was OK to be sad. I had lost my son for goodness sake. I felt through the tears and the sobs, and I knew that I would eventually be OK.
As I carried my rainbow baby through the 19th week of pregnancy (the week of gestation during which we lost Theo), my cervix started to shorten. We had a cerclage put in at 19 weeks and 1 day. We lost Theo at 19 weeks and 2 days. Being in the hospital felt like we were reliving the nightmare, and I felt all of the feels all over again. People were AGAIN not OK with me not being OK. When I reached out to one of my nearest and dearest about these hard feelings, her immediate response was for me to do something about the feelings. Like it was not OK for me to not be OK.
How have we come to this? Why do we need to be afraid to express feelings and genuine and RAW human emotion because of how it will make the listener feel? THAT IS NOT OK.
Feeling is good. Feeling is normal. Feeling is hard. Being sad is hard work. But, in my case, being sad has brought some great healing.
Again, this does NOT work for everyone. But, everyone should be able to reach out without feeling shame for feeling. I think that is the least we can do in light of current events. We often cannot fix people’s problems, but we can listen and feel with them instead of being uncomfortable and shuffling their hurt off of our backs on to that of a medical professional.
And that is just how I feel.