A few weeks ago, I experienced something that I knew very little about . . . a Chemical Pregnancy. I had a few close friends who had experienced a Chemical Pregnancy throughout the years, so I had a vague idea of what a chemical pregnancy was. If you have never heard of a chemical pregnancy, you are not alone. RMC Health System describes a chemical pregnancy as a “very early miscarriage, typically before the 5th week of gestation. At this point in your pregnancy, you may have gotten a positive pregnancy test result, but an ultrasound can’t detect it yet. Most women don’t actually know that they’re pregnant when they have a miscarriage this early on, but if you do know it can be devastating. While chemical pregnancies are fairly common, it doesn’t make them any easier to deal with. Chemical pregnancies make up anywhere from 50-75% of all miscarriages.”
My husband and I have been blessed with two beautiful and healthy kids and decided to go ahead and try for a third. After two months of trying, I was hit with the tale-tell sign of pregnancy . . . tender breasts. After having two kids, I looked at my husband and said, “My boobs feel pregnant!” I know, it’s a silly way to word it, but if you know you know. I didn’t look at my fertility app to see how many days it had been since ovulating but knew my period was supposed to come within the next few days. I took a test. I laid it on the counter and went on with the nighttime routine of getting my youngest to sleep. Then, I went and casually looked to see the results. I had a positive pregnancy test! I was in shock. We had not been trying for very long and I had no clue that our third would come so quickly. I looked at my app and realized that I wasn’t supposed to get my period for another week. I had never tested this early. I did what any normal woman would do, I took another test. Again, it was positive!
My husband and I immediately called the grandparents and my siblings with the great news and the caveat that it was extremely early on in the pregnancy. The next day, I woke up and took a pregnancy test. It was positive! With nervous and happy energy, I was letting myself feel cautious joy and optimism for the future. That evening I was continuing with my marathon pregnancy testing as one does in the early days of pregnancy. This time, it was negative. My heart sank. I took another one and it was . . . negative. Again. I took another test in the morning thinking I shouldn’t have tested at night and I started doing some research and attempting to stay calm. The next day it was negative. At that moment I knew I was going to experience my first miscarriage. Sure enough, that evening I started spotting and had a really painful period.
September 27, 2022, was supposed to be my due date for our third baby. I googled what to do after having an early miscarriage and immediately found the most invalidating term for an early miscarriage, a Chemical Pregnancy. I had just lost a dream of this tiny person that was going to be added to our family. I was flooded with a thousand emotions as the grief set in. It was just a few days of being pregnant, but it was devastating. Because it happened so early and I already have two beautiful kids, I did not feel allowed to be upset. I have several loved ones going through infertility treatments and yearning to be a mother. I already am one. I did not think my feelings were valid. After being open with my family and friends about what had happened and my reaction to the miscarriage, I no longer feel this way. I am grieving in my own time and in my own way. I am doing my best to stay present with the beautiful life I have now. I trust the divine timing that our family will grow.
