Dear Best Friend: I Wish You Knew

Pregnancy loss is sadly not new to me. I had two very early miscarriages when trying to have my first two children. At the time, none of my best friends were trying to get pregnant or even thinking about babies so I didn’t have to worry about my reactions or feelings when they got pregnant while I was grieving. This time as my husband and I decided to try again for our third child, two of my best friends were also trying to conceive. After having three miscarriages within an 8 month span and both of those friends getting pregnant and having healthy pregnancies, I thought I would share a few tips I wish my friends knew.

1. She is so completely happy for you.

She loves you so much and from the second she found out you were pregnant she has loved your baby too. Regardless of her loss, you have been given the opportunity to have a child, and she is so completely happy for you. She knows how great of a mother you are/will be and can not wait to watch this beautiful baby grow up. She also knows first hand how precious that life is and never wants you to go through the things she has gone through.

2. As happy as she is for you, she is hurting for herself.

She loves you so much and is so happy for you, but she hurts for herself at the same time. She doesn’t mean to have a blank stare or fake smile when you tell her. She is just reminded of the life that will never be; the baby that she didn’t get to hold in her arms. There is no perfect time to tell your friend but please love her no matter her reaction. Her actions are most likely out of pain for her loss and have nothing to do with how happy she truly is for you.

3. Please don’t complain.

If she is asking you questions about your pregnancy, it is because she truly cares, believe me she isn’t asking to just be nice, so give her honest but happy answers. She wants to know about feeling baby flutters, your bump popping out, how excited you are. However, she doesn’t want to know how bloated and gross you feel or how much you hate being pregnant. She would do anything to be in your place. She would take the morning sickness, feeling fat, not being able to have a glass of wine any day if that meant getting her baby back. She is truly happy for you but nothing hurts more than having someone complain about the one thing you don’t have anymore.

Please remember that your friend did not write this story for herself. If she could choose, she wouldn’t have chosen miscarriage to be the ending to her pregnancy so just give her some grace and love her unconditionally. She loves you and is so happy but because of her experiences, please be mindful of your actions and words.

Even if it seems unfair that you have to filter yourself, imagine how unfair miscarriage feels for her.

Malary lives in the outskirts of Lafayette with her high school sweet heart, James. They have known each other since kindergarten and have grown from sandbox sweethearts to life long soul-mates. She and her husband have three children Cooper, Harper and Evangeline. She graduated from the University of Louisiana at Lafayette with a degree in elementary education and is currently a 4th grade teacher. She loves spending her days teaching 8 year olds how to multiply and divide and her summers pretending to be a stay at home mama to her littles. She and her husband recently bought an older home and spend their free time pretending to be Chip and Joanna renovating their first fixer upper! When she is not teaching, wrangling toddlers, or painting all things white she enjoys solo target trips, coffee, and is currently teaching herself how to sew!