As I am sitting down composing this next piece, my mind is racing. My heart feels like it is beating out of my chest. I can’t think straight. I can’t think of what my next move should be. So I write. I can’t find another way to sort out these emotions.
Today was hard.
Some days dealing with depression and anxiety are debilitating. Today I wasn’t even the slightest productive. The plans of what we were going to do today were down the drain as soon as I opened my eyes this morning.
I just knew it was going to be one of those days. My blanket was the hug I needed. My bed was a safe place that protected me.
I was once told by someone that I needed to stop being so negative … I believed them. Maybe I am being negative. Maybe I do need to see the bright side. Maybe I do need to snap out of this.
I can’t snap out of this. You can’t SNAP OUT OF A SICKNESS. This is my reality.
Anxiety and depression do not come from a lack of spirituality (which I was also told). It doesn’t come from a place of lack of faith.
WHY WOULD PEOPLE MAKE THIS UP?
They don’t. People in their right minds would never choose to feel this way. They wouldn’t choose to spend a beautiful Saturday in their beds, searching for a purpose, not answering the phone, and trying to avoid all responsibility.
Today I was forgetful. Where is my wallet? Why did I leave my phone home? What time is it?
Sometimes the days with anxiety are long.
The struggle seems like it might not end.
I am a mom, a mom who struggles every day with anxiety. I fought through postpartum depression THREE TIMES and by the grace of God and good medicine I overcame it.
Today I begged God to help me. I wasn’t calm. I was struggling. I needed to be saved from the thoughts … the feelings … I cried out to Him. HELP ME GOD, I can’t do this on my own.
I cried, not a breakdown cry like everything was crumbling and I couldn’t catch my breath. It was the kind of cry that struck me at moments of heightened anxiety. The smallest thing triggered the tears. I felt alone, so I cried. My husband wasn’t home, so I cried. I felt overwhelmed, so I cried.
Today, I wanted it to be different, so I cried.
Anxiety and depression do not discriminate. They don’t take into account your age, your religion, your social status.
Being a mom and trying to navigate through life with anxiety and depression is hard, sometimes really hard. My kids are begging me to get up. Go play. Go outside, but I can’t.
Today I just couldn’t do it.
But I promise it is not like this every day.