Today Was Hard

As I am sitting down composing this next piece, my mind is racing. My heart feels like it is beating out of my chest. I can’t think straight. I can’t think of what my next move should be. So I write. I can’t find another way to sort out these emotions.

Today was hard.

Some days dealing with depression and anxiety are debilitating. Today I wasn’t even the slightest productive. The plans of what we were going to do today were down the drain as soon as I opened my eyes this morning.

I just knew it was going to be one of those days. My blanket was the hug I needed. My bed was a safe place that protected me.

I was once told by someone that I needed to stop being so negative … I believed them. Maybe I am being negative. Maybe I do need to see the bright side. Maybe I do need to snap out of this.

I can’t snap out of this. You can’t SNAP OUT OF A SICKNESS. This is my reality.

Anxiety and depression do not come from a lack of spirituality (which I was also told). It doesn’t come from a place of lack of faith.

WHY WOULD PEOPLE MAKE THIS UP?

They don’t. People in their right minds would never choose to feel this way. They wouldn’t choose to spend a beautiful Saturday in their beds, searching for a purpose, not answering the phone, and trying to avoid all responsibility.

Today I was forgetful. Where is my wallet? Why did I leave my phone home? What time is it?

Sometimes the days with anxiety are long.

The struggle seems like it might not end.

I am a mom, a mom who struggles every day with anxiety. I fought through postpartum depression THREE TIMES and by the grace of God and good medicine I overcame it.

Today I begged God to help me. I wasn’t calm. I was struggling. I needed to be saved from the thoughts … the feelings … I cried out to Him. HELP ME GOD, I can’t do this on my own.

I cried, not a breakdown cry like everything was crumbling and I couldn’t catch my breath. It was the kind of cry that struck me at moments of heightened anxiety. The smallest thing triggered the tears. I felt alone, so I cried. My husband wasn’t home, so I cried. I felt overwhelmed, so I cried.

Today, I wanted it to be different, so I cried.

Anxiety and depression do not discriminate. They don’t take into account your age, your religion, your social status.

Being a mom and trying to navigate through life with anxiety and depression is hard, sometimes really hard. My kids are begging me to get up. Go play. Go outside, but I can’t.

Today I just couldn’t do it.

But I promise it is not like this every day.

Courtney is the wife of Daniel Henry, her high school sweetheart and is the mother to Aleana, Avah and Daniel. She works and resides in the Frog Capital of the World-Rayne, LA. She is a graduate of LSUE and a former boutique owner. She is a self-proclaimed planner addict who loves brownies, Saints football and would rather not be wearing shoes (even though she has a closet full). When she’s not chasing after kids she’s furthering her education and reading. She could live off coffee and cookies, although it would be frowned upon.