The Finality Of The “Caboose”

The Finality Of The “Caboose”

That last baby…

Not everyone has this luxury, but I knew when I had my youngest that he would be the last. He would forever be our caboose. I am and always have been okay with that decision.

I didn’t realize, though, how final it would feel.

I mean, I knew I’d have to savor each and every moment because it would be the last time we would do this or that. But I didn’t know I would feel such sorrow and loss with each “last.”

I’m not a crier. I am not a soft hearted person at all. But more and more lately I find myself having teary moments realizing that things are ending.

He will (hopefully- come on LPSS lottery) go to Pre-K in the fall. I came to the realization the other day that we will be leaving our daycare- the place that’s been our safety net for so many years. They know us. They know our family. And we will have to say goodbye soon.

The Finality Of The "Caboose"I recently purged my home. I had held on to many things for far longer than I did with my older children. I had so much trouble separating with those baby clothes, bottles, pacifiers, etc. I knew the time had long passed, but I just wanted to hang on a little longer. I sat in the floor in his room and just held those baby clothes.

I find myself not wanting things to end. I know we will never get that back. I know we will never have a 3 year old again. I know we will never play tee ball again. I know things will never be the same again. And it all makes me weepy.

I don’t know if this is normal, but each “last” feels like a loss.

I mourn another little loss of “babyness.” My son is growing up, and I am mourning that baby that he once was.

I will get through this. There will be many more “lasts.” But for now, I’ll just embrace the fact that I’m a crier now. I’ll mourn the final everything, then I’ll move on to the next.

He will always be my baby, right?


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