What Do Grieving Children Need?
Grief…just hearing the word brings up anxiety and fear. None of us want to experience the death of a loved one, let alone have our children experience it. Unfortunately, death is a part of life. It’s important to have an idea of what children might experience while grieving and what they need. Although this post is about the death of a loved one, the information is applicable to grief in other areas of life, such as loss of a pet, a move, a divorce, etc. I hope you never need this guide. If you do, I hope it helps you understand what your child is experiencing while grieving. Since children develop so rapidly, research has been done on several different age groups.
*If at any time your child has thoughts about self-harm or suicide, contact a medical professional immediately.
Ages 2-4
At this age, children have no understanding of the finality of death. They’ll recognize if their primary caregiver is absent and may respond by crying, whining, and clinginess. They may also experience separation anxiety, temper tantrums, and difficulty sleeping. Children this age need short and concise answers to questions and they need to get back to their normal routine as soon as possible. They need opportunities to play and need to know they are safe. Using the concrete terms “dead” and “died” is important. Children don’t understand euphemisms such as “Mommy passed away” or “Daddy is gone.” Concrete terms help lessen confusion.
Ages 5-8
Children in this age group will have increased questions about death and dying. They might think the death can be reversed or feel responsible. They often have increased anxiety and worry about being abandoned, regressive behaviors, intense emotional outbursts, and withdrawal. Increased aggression may occur as well. Somatic issues may include upset stomach and body aches. It’s important to follow the child’s lead and give them choices when appropriate. They need time to play and time to talk about what happened. It’s important to answer their questions honestly and normalize their feelings. Providing safety, structure, routine, and assurance is vital. Children this age can begin learning healthy coping skills and how to recognize and manage their emotions.
Ages 9-12
Children this age typically understand that death is final. They often experience anxiety, intense emotional outbursts, nightmares, and hyper-vigilance. They have more questions about death and may ask the same questions in different ways as their brain tries to process the information. Children this age need time for self-expression and time to play. They need to process their grief but also need breaks from the hard work of grieving. They need routine, structure, and opportunities to make their own decisions. At this age, it’s important to answer questions honestly, listen, normalize emotions, and ensure a good support system.
Ages 13-18
Children in this age group understand that death is final and may begin questioning their own mortality and purpose in life. Their emotions are intense and often unpredictable. They may have increased worry about others and fear of death. Withdrawal, risk-taking behavior, and difficulty sleeping are also common. All ages have a continued need for routine and structure. Teenagers need to have the ability to make decisions and have an appropriate amount of independence. They need a good support system and opportunities for self-expression. Asking open-ended questions and normalizing the grief experience is also beneficial.
This is a lot of information, but it’s super helpful in understanding grief. If a child experiences the death of a loved one, I highly recommend counseling. There are many wonderful play therapists in our area, who are trained to work with children at their level.
