Being A Good Mom Means Being A Regulated Mom
The one thing that I did not anticipate when having children was how imperative it would be to be able to regulate my emotions when my tiny humans are overstimulated and dysregulated. The dynamic of having kids is completely different than other types of relationships. You are pouring yourself into another person who is reliant on you to be their safe and steady place. I must actively choose not to be reactive when one of my children is having big feelings. They are going to have big feelings and it’s our job to guide them on how to manage them in a healthy way. The ultimate goal is that they know how to navigate the different emotions that come with being a human. How many adults have you seen that are incapable of controlling themselves? I have seen way too many videos of people completely losing their cool in the middle of Walmart. To be a functioning member of society, kids need to be taught how to feel feelings without shame.
Below are ways that we help teach our kids navigate their feelings and staying grounded:
Waiting until they are calm before talking about the issue. For example, if they are having a meltdown about wanting junk food instead of a meal. I will wait until they have gotten their feelings out about wanting something they cannot have and validate that this feeling is hard. Once they are in a calm place, the discussion is had about why they can’t have cookies before dinner tonight. When they are coming from an emotional place the logical part of the brain is not working. After they are calm, 90% of the time I can reason with them after that. It’s like a light switch went off.
I let them see me regulate my emotions. I do a meditation practice most mornings before work. Walking has been a great method to alleviate stress. I will suggest family walks if I am feeling overwhelmed. I let them see how Mommy calms her body and mind. I have to model what calm looks like, so they know how regulate their mind and body.
I try not to talk about adult issues that could be stressful in front of them. The kids are always watching and listening. I try hard to not harp on issues that could stress my kids in front of them unnecessarily. Kids can easily internalize these conversations, so I intentionally don’t talk about any financial struggles or other topics like that in front of my kids.
Time out is for calming down, not for guilt. When one of my kids is in time out, it is more of a pause to calm down rather than to make them feel worse about making a mistake. The pause is just as much for the parents as it is for the child.
I apologize when I fall short. Having children will trigger all sorts of emotional responses that you thought you healed from unfortunately. None of that is your child’s fault. To be a good mom, I must continue to learn how to regulate my emotions, so I don’t take my bad day out on them. It is extremely intentional and difficult. When I have big feelings when they are dysregulated, I apologize. I own up to having a bigger response to the situation than was warranted and try to do better next time.
