“But She Doesn’t Talk!” :: A Self-Reflection on Friendship

“Maybe you’re the one not being a good friend to her,” my husband said to me. 

I was NOT expecting that response.

I had just been sharing with my husband that I thought a friend of mine might be going through a hard time. I wasn’t sure exactly why, though, because she refused to talk about it, despite my asking her thoughtful questions. I was feeling lonely in the friendship because I felt deep conversations were lacking, and I thought she might be keeping something from me.

“Maybe she doesn’t want to talk,” he said to me.

“Then why would she ask to hang out??” I replied, wildly confused.

“Ya’ll don’t have to talk while you hang out. Do something else.”

“But what? The kids are normally with us, and when they are around, it’s hard to do anything besides talk.”

“Allison, she may just want your company. Sometimes, being there with a friend is all they want or need. Maybe you’re the one not being a good friend to her by trying to make her talk.”

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To Do: “Take a break from trying to get people to have deep conversations.” 

It’s a note in my phone, typed out almost a year prior. 

Why did I write that? At that time, did deep conversations stress me out, just like now? 

Are deep conversations really the truest indicator of genuine friendship? 

What about laughing, or creating together, or doing all the things with each other while smiling? 

If I really think about it, when I consider what fills my cup, what makes me feel whole in the friendship, and what keeps me coming back, is it only deep conversations? 

Or is it also:

Support: “I’ll help you find your phone. It will be easy to find when you have more pairs of eyes on it.” 

Inclusion: “Don’t rush. I saved you a seat!”

Checking in: “I wanted to see how you had been doing.” 

Time: “My husband said he’ll watch the kids so I can come spend the day with you if you’re free!”

Genuine Care: “What’s your daughter allergic to? I want to make sure I have the right snacks for her this summer.” 

Respect: “I wanted to ask your opinion on middle-grade books since you’re knowledgeable about that!” 

Mutual like for each other: “Don’t worry about getting us the check just yet. We like to yap, we might be a while.” 

Loyalty: Knowing the person will defend me if I’m not in the room (this is huge)

Trust: Comfort in asking for help and giving help back freely 

Consistency: Carpooling to work together every day and never running out of things to talk about

Humor: Being able to laugh together and make jokes without hurting anyone’s feelings 

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“But she doesn’t talk!” my daughter tells me about her kindergarten classmate.

My daughter and I had just been discussing who in her kindergarten class she could practice being kind to. I had suggested a shy classmate I had previously noticed on a field trip.

“It would be really nice of you to offer to play with her at recess,” I suggested. 

“But she doesn’t talk to kids! She only whispers in the teacher’s ear,” my daughter insisted, wildly confused.

“You guys don’t need to talk,” I replied. “I think she’s happy just being near you. On the field trip, when she was sitting with you on the picnic blanket, she was smiling.”

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It is not lost on me that I had the same conversation with my daughter as my husband had with me. Self-reflection often comes full circle in that way. My daughter and I were both seeking for our friends to dive deep into themselves and pour out their thoughts for us to hear. 

We are both told no — put aside your wild confusion and sit side by side with your friend. Laugh, create, and smile. That may be all they need.