I Have ADHD – Now What? My Adult ADHD Diagnosis
I have always been “a lot.” Let me go into further detail as to what I mean by that statement. I have a very big personality. I am very loud, very energetic, very talkative and most of all, very fast paced. I rarely sit still for more than a few minutes and even if I am able to make myself actually sit down, I spend that entire time thinking of what my next task is or making a mental list of all of the productive things that I could be doing instead of just sitting down attempting to relax. I have never met a stranger, and I can talk to someone nonstop, sometimes without even giving them a chance to get a word in. I have no off switch for any part of my personality and absolutely no perception of when I am being too much (which is often!). My mind often feels like a hamster on a wheel, constantly running as fast as possible but going nowhere.
I know that this sounds as if I am talking about myself in a negative light; however, this is just who I am, and I have always felt comfortable with myself and the person that I was. There were times when I would get frustrated with myself and my antics, but doesn’t everyone?
I had come to terms with the fact that this was just who I was and how I was wired. I embraced the part of my personality that worked in my favor when it came to achieving certain goals and aspirations in life, but I also tried very hard to take it down a notch when I needed to in certain situations.
Over time, I was able to teach myself ways to self regulate and calm down a bit when necessary, but this was not easy by any means. Starting one task and completing it without jumping to something else was one of the hardest things for me to do. I started making daily “to do” lists to try to alleviate this problem; however, most of the time, the tasks were left unfinished or moved to the next day. My desk at work was constantly a mess, I would lose important things within a matter of minutes, and remembering important dates and appointments required a plethora of reminders and stress. I tried so hard to find ways to slow down a bit and truly be present in the moment, but in the back of mind, I always wondered if there was something wrong with me.
It never crossed my mind that I could have some form of neurodevelopmental disorder. I have filled out so many Vanderbilt Assessments and not once did I notice a pattern between the characteristics of my personality and the traits that exhibited some form of a diagnosis. I had already been diagnosed with anxiety and had been taking medication for over a decade, so most of the symptoms that I would experience I would attribute to that specific diagnosis. Never did I think that there could be another underlying condition that was causing all of these things.
All it took was a few coworkers and friends of mine (whose opinions I have the utmost respect for) to jokingly make the comment about me possibly having ADHD for me to realize that this could be a real possibility. I could have a legitimate undiagnosed neurodevelopmental disorder! I immediately scheduled an appointment with a well recommended psychiatrist and began researching and educating myself on all of the traits and symptoms that made up ADHD. As soon as I googled “What is ADHD?” this was the first thing to come up – “Attention-deficit / hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is one of the most common mental disorders affecting both children and adults. Symptoms of ADHD include inattention (not being able to keep focus), hyperactivity (excess movement that is not fitting to the setting) and impulsivity (hasty acts that occur in the moment without thought). ADHD is considered a chronic and debilitating disorder and is known to impact the individual in many aspects of their life including academic and professional achievements, interpersonal relationships, and daily functioning (Harpin, 2005).”
I felt as if I had a lightbulb moment – these words described not only me, but my struggles perfectly. It was as if I had written this about myself. I still remember having to fill out the Vanderbilt Assessment on myself and laughing as I checked “yes” on every single trait that pointed to me having ADHD. How I had never seen this before is beyond me!
It should come as no surprise that during my appointment, I was diagnosed with ADHD. What surprised me the most was that even though I did suffer from anxiety as I had been previously diagnosed with, most of the symptoms that I associated with my anxiety were caused by my untreated ADHD. Had I been diagnosed and treated for ADHD at an earlier age, my anxiety symptoms would not have been as severe as they had been for most of my life, or may not have even presented themself at all. After lots of discussion, I was put on a one month trial of an ADHD medication. Within a few short weeks of taking that medication, my life changed completely.
Now don’t get me wrong – these were not changes that happened overnight just by me taking one dose of medication! However as the days went on, I slowly started to notice that the things that were so unbelievably difficult for me to accomplish before, now took little to no effort or stress to complete effectively and in a timely manner.
I was able to start and effectively finish multiple tasks at a time and have a conversation with someone and truly listen without feeling the need to cut them off halfway through. I was able to sit down and read a book without having to start and stop over and over again, and most of all, I was able to turn my brain off and be truly present in moments within my job, my family, and my daily life. I could not believe that I had been struggling for this long and truly had no idea that this was a case of undiagnosed ADHD. The change that I was witnessing in myself and how my mind worked was one of the most eye opening experiences of my life. Finding the right medication that really works is a different experience for everyone; however, I got lucky and the first one I tried worked well for me.
This entire process has taught me quite a few lessons
- There is absolutely no shame in having some form of mental / neurological disorder. It doesn’t make you weird or “crazy,” but rather, it makes you brave. Brave enough to admit that you need help and if it’s right for you, brave enough to seek that help whether it be seeing a psychiatrist or talking to a therapist.
- There is nothing “wrong” with you if you do have any type of diagnosis. Most people go through their entire life thinking this about themselves when in reality, there is no normal! What makes us different also makes us beautiful! Just think about how different of a person you would be without your diagnosis – for me, I would not have the personality that I cannot imagine myself without!
- I definitely need to be more humble and understanding. I truly did not understand what having ADHD meant or how much of a struggle it can be for everyone involved until I experienced it for myself. Throughout this entire process, I could not help but think of my dad and his struggle with addiction. Most, if not all, of my personality traits were inherited from him along with my ADHD. I often wonder that if he had been diagnosed and properly medicated as a child, he may not have turned to drugs and perhaps his life would have taken a very different path. If anything, it gave me a greater understanding of how hard it must have been for him on a daily basis to manage this disorder, and it has allowed me to let go of some of the anger and guilt that I had towards him along with the choices he made that led to his addiction.
My hope for anyone reading this article is to shed a light and awareness on not only ADHD or Anxiety, but any other issue, whether it’s medical or personal that you or anyone that you know may be currently dealing with.