Book Review :: Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too
One of the deepest desires I have as a parent is for my children to have a close relationship. I had a very positive relationship with my brother growing up, and I have always wanted my kids to cherish the gift of having a sibling.
I had been wanting to read a book about fostering positive sibling relationships so that I could do my part in helping my kids grow close with each other. One friend recommended Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (available at our Lafayette Public Libraries). This was an easy and fulfilling read, and was honestly exactly what I needed to learn a few easy-to-implement parenting mindsets.
Here are three main takeaways I got from the book ::
Comparison
One of the most eye-opening lessons in the book is about how dangerous it can be to compare your kids. Even when you don’t mean to do any harm, little comments like “Your sister got dressed much faster than you” can create resentment and rivalry. The authors suggest focusing on each child individually instead of setting them up to compete. For example, an alternative phrase could be to acknowledge that one child got dressed quickly all on their own, without bringing anyone else into it. It’s a simple shift, but it makes a huge difference to prevent children from comparing themselves to each other.
Equal is Less
Another idea in the book is the concept that treating kids “equally” isn’t always the answer or doesn’t necessarily show equal love. Instead of trying to make everything perfectly fair—like buying both child the same toy or giving equal attention—it’s better to focus on what each child actually needs. One child might need extra encouragement after a rough day, while the other just wants some quiet time. The authors show how being tuned in to each child individually feels way more meaningful to them than trying to keep everything exactly even.
Labeling
The dangers of labeling hit me the hardest. Labeling kids, even in a positive way, can do more harm than good. Calling one child “the smart one” or “the funny one” might seem harmless, but it boxes them into a role they feel they have to live up to—or fight against. Instead, Faber and Mazlish suggest describing what you see in the moment. For instance, saying, “This is my creative child,” could make that child feel like they have to live up that expectation, as well as making their sibling feel like they should not attempt to be creative since that is their sibling’s role. It’s about giving kids the freedom to grow without being stuck in a label.
Wrap Up
It was surprising to me how many of the ideas in the book actually circled back to the parent. It can be a hard pill to swallow to admit that our role in parenting has a lot to do with the relationship the siblings will have with each other. Children are constantly craving the attention and praise of their parents, and will base much of their identity in how we view them. Therefore, it’s so important to treat each child as their own individual person, without labels, and without comparing.