Parenting with Your Partner :: Who Does What?

Parenting with Your Partner :: Who Does What?

Raising children comes with its own challenges and obstacles — but what about working with your partner to navigate them? Not only are you constantly trying to figure out what you’re supposed to be doing with your kids at various ages and stages, but you’re probably also trying to work through the nuances of doing this with your partner. Because at the end of the day, you don’t just want a co-parent — you want a true partner who sees you and absorbs parenting responsibilities in the same way that you do. 

It Started With the Two of You

Let’s start by looking at what teamwork means in the context of parenting. I like to think of it as an alliance you and your partner have formed from the beginning of your relationship. You’ve likely already put a lot of effort into growing with your partner and working through difficult times. Where there were disagreements, you talked things out to find common ground. Where there were gaps, you found ways to fill them. Once a kid or two entered the picture, the disagreements became more frequent and the gaps widened. Then they appeared, clear as day, staring you right in the face in between a sink full of dirty dishes and a wailing newborn needing to be fed. Suddenly, one of you feels frustrated because you’re trying to juggle both tasks at once. This is where balancing responsibilities between the two of you becomes crucial. It is important to have established ownership over specific duties to avoid burnout and feeling unseen. 

Finding a Rhythm

A great starting point is to sit down together and list every single task it takes to run your household (even the unspoken ones). Put them into categories, i.e. meals, household chores, medical, finances, social, and school. Categories will vary between families depending on the needs and ages of your children. Next, split up the tasks evenly between the two of you. This can work by dividing the number of tasks and the number of hours spent doing said tasks. I also find it helpful to work in tandem at times to get things done quicker. That way there is no confusion about who does what. It is up to you and your partner to decide and agree on what is fair. Post schedules, calendars, and meals plans in visible places so both parents are on the same page. 

Sharing the Load

Here are some examples to help you get started. You can be responsible for tending to the children while your partner tackles household chores from the hours of 5 to 7 p.m. Another option is to alternate daily tasks like school drop-offs and pick-ups; one parent does the drop-off and the other parent does the pick-up. 

Part of the parenting journey is knowing there will always be some give and take on both sides. For instance, one of you can get up early with the kids on Saturday morning while the other parent sleeps in; on Sunday you can reverse the roles. That way, both parents get a chance to catch up on some much needed rest. Another routine that works for many parents is to divide and conquer if you have more than one child. One parent takes one child while the other does the same, trading off throughout the day. This alleviates the burden of constant task-switching. Know that for one person to have a completely uninterrupted break, a sacrifice will likely have to be made somewhere else. Taking turns works well here.  

All families are different and finding a rhythm that works for yours gives everyone a soft place to land. Having an understanding of who does what leaves very little room for future disappointment. Remember, you can’t share what you can’t see and you can’t divide what you haven’t defined. Have regular check-ins with your partner to ensure things are running smoothly. You don’t always have to have every little detail figured out. Just keep showing up for each other consistently and the rest will fall into place.