Mom…Mom…Mooommm :: The Message I Finally Heard About Paying Attention

Mom…Mom…Mooommm :: The Message I Finally Heard About Paying Attention

A Conversation Among Moms

Recently, some moms and I were discussing our perspectives on giving our kids our attention when we are constantly juggling all the things. We got real about feeling we never have enough time and feeling guilty when we don’t give our kids our full attention. Or when we fuss at them for needing our attention at the most inopportune times (i.e. when the doctor’s office finally calls you back).

One of the moms who is recently divorced shared that she has become more focused and intentional when with her kids since she has to share custody now. She knows the days she has her kids she will need to be more engaged with them, and the days she doesn’t she can focus more on work and other things. It got us talking about the impact intentional time with our kids can have on their behavior and how smoothly our days go with them. As well as the effect that time away from our kids can have.

The Surprising Upside of Time Apart

This mom’s observation raised a question for me: how often do those of us in partnered relationships take for granted our time with our kids? Assume they have enough of our time and attention? And could intentional breaks from our kids actually improve our relationships with them? Allow us to be more present and less distracted? I think so. We know moms often undervalue our downtime. And taking time to nurture and care for ourselves helps us be better parents. (See this article about mom burnout.) 

Why Presence Doesn’t Always Come Naturally

I know I’ve been guilty of getting preoccupied or hyper-focused (ADHD mom here!) on some task and finding it difficult to stop and redirect my focus to whatever my kids want to do (unless there’s an injury or meltdown or bigger issue). I shared with these moms that I’ve noticed when I intentionally drop whatever I’m doing in the morning to smile at and connect with my kids as they first wake up, we have fewer issues getting out the door. Same at night. When I make it a point to look my kids in the eye and listen to them when tucking them into bed, they usually relax and fall asleep faster.

This is obvious, right? I mean, it probably should have been for me, but it wasn’t. I recognize that I didn’t often get this sort of attention, eye contact, and emotional attunement from my parents growing up in the 80s and early 90s. This is probably another reason it hasn’t come naturally to me. I had to be told by someone else and then told again by my kids to put my phone down or stop what I’m doing and look at them. It’s not something I’m particularly proud of, but it’s the truth.

It honestly doesn’t take a ton of effort, just mindful intention. And it goes a long way toward giving our kids the security that they are cared for, that their presence brings us joy, and their needs and wants matter. It helps them recognize that while other things will inevitably come up, and I will need to focus my attention elsewhere, it’s okay because they are secure in their sense of love and belonging within our family. That security is what allows them to feel comfortable going off to play on their own or read by themselves, and that’s what we want for our kids.

So if you’re a mom like me who often feels swept up in all the things to juggle and get done, who wakes up with a to-do list in your head that you find difficult to set aside — let me be your reminder. Make intentional time to be with your kids, show delight in their presence, make eye contact…hug them…listen.

The Cost of Checking Out

Because here’s what’s at stake when we don’t do this: our kids are left feeling alone. And that’s not what we want. Feeling alone as a child is terrifying and painful.

Healing the Patterns We Didn’t Choose

It’s really helped me to learn about my early childhood attachment wounds and the impact they have had on my sense of self, ability to regulate emotions, relationships with others, and relationships with my kids. Likewise, it’s been a game changer to finally be diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. The healing that has come from working with professionals who understand these issues and how to treat them has been invaluable for me.

I still need the reminder every now and then. I’m human. I’m easily distracted. It’s one thing to know it’s important and another all together to actually do the thing. But each day we get another chance, and it’s so worth it to make the effort.