Mom Guilt On Mother’s Day

Mom Guilt On Mother’s Day

Hi, I’m Carolyn and I’m new here. So, a little backstory: back in March, my husband and I became certified foster parents. We have 2 of our own children and we wanted to open our home to help other children in need. On March 15th, we got our first placement! A little 6 month old boy with big bright eyes and a smile that lights up the room. Over the past couple of months we’ve learned him and he’s learned us, and we’ve gotten to a point where we dread the day that we have to hand him back over.

Muffins with Mom

On the Friday before Mother’s Day, I dropped him off at daycare just like any other day. When I walked him to class, his teacher asked “oh! Did you stop to do muffins with mom?!?” I responded with a quick comeback stating that I had forgotten about it but he’s so young and I’m not hungry so we’ll pass on it. She handed me his hand-made Mother’s Day gift. I thanked her and told her that I’ll make sure to give it to his mom at visitation next week. I kissed him on his forehead like I do every morning and walked back to the car.

The Mom Guilt Hits

Once I got back to my car, I just sat there in that parking lot fighting with myself. I have two other children, so muffins with mom is nothing new to me. But why was this so difficult for me?!? Throughout this process of foster care, I’ve done really well with keeping an open line of communication with the birth parents. I like to say that I’m a good judge of character, and in this particular situation, I’ve always felt like these people love their baby. But they’re young parents with little guidance and, as we all do, have made some not so favorable mistakes and decisions. As a result, their baby was removed from their home and now he’s with us. I didn’t feel right in that moment replacing his mother that I believe loves and misses him so much. I wasn’t expecting the wave of emotions I experienced in that moment at all. Day in and day out, I act as this child’s mother, treating him no different from my biological children but I didn’t feel it was my place to be celebrated as his mommy for Mother’s Day.

The Confirmation

After fighting with myself all day long, it was finally time to pick him up from daycare. When I got there, he was sitting on his teacher’s lap and she hopped up out of the chair when I walked in with a smile on her face and said “I have a surprise for you!” I’m thinking he ate a full jar of veggies for lunch, or maybe that tooth finally popped through his gums. She walks to the other side of the room and hands me a gift bag with a handmade Mother’s Day gift just for me. As she hands it to me she says “I admire the fact that you want to give his mom the gift from this morning. But you deserve to be honored too. You’re his mom at this time. You’re raising him, teaching him, nurturing him. So accept this. Because you deserve it more than you give yourself credit for.” I choked back the tears and gave her a hug. All I could pull myself together to say was “thank you.”

I realized that the mom guilt I was feeling was from the fear and the feeling that SHE, his biological mom, must be feeling. That fear of being replaced. I can’t imagine my children being removed from my care and eventually looking at another woman as their mom. But it’s that same empathy that I feel that’s going to continue to push me to be the best foster mom I can possibly be to this baby and however many other children who get placed in my care in the future.